Oh Colorgenics... I love this thing sometimes, it's right on the goddamn target.



You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to 'All things bright and beautiful'. This personifies a caring person, a person who 'needs' and indeed 'needs to be needed'.

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.


If you wanna do it too, here you go: http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm

Lots to share. I got a job at a day care! I teach a classroom of four year olds. Finally after all the procrastination here is what I have to show for it. I was hired on the spot on Friday and started this past Monday. I was scheduled 45 hours this week but it's alright so far. I enjoy it even though it is tiring. My WMU class is cool but my teacher is lame. It's a writing class for elementary ed teachers. It's the only writing class that we take during the course of the degree.

I have to give an awesome shot out to my roommates. They've been so great. Andy and Karel and I watched the Will and Grace episodes about Grace being broken up with after she proposed. It was kinda hard to watch because it was one of those rare but real moments in the series. So the three of us believed that it merited getting trashed that night to numb us. John came over, because he could recently relate to the topic of the episode, and Pat came over just because. Anyway we watched TMNT the original movie, G.I. Joe the movie and Flight of the Navigator. It was great.

I went to a party with them very briefly and saw the one person I really didn't need to see. I didn't know he would be there. I talked to Allie about this and told her that every time I see Matt I feel like I regress in my progress with moving on. Of course that doesn't stop the stubborn in me telling me that I still want to see him. She asked why it was hard, and I told her because I realize how much I miss him each time I see him or talk to him. For some reason I can't get myself to understand the whole reason it didn't work and probably won't ever work. I wasn't happy for a reason. Well several and It's been very hard to remind myself of those reasons. As things have been very up and down for awhile now, they are finally beginning to continue downward, which is a good thing. I still continue to have jolts of feelings of anxiety or jealousy but I don't mind, and of course at the same time, I do. Each day I'm learning a lot about myself from the post relationship experience. As I've said many times before, I'm a very optimistic person. I look for the good in the bad. In learning experiences like relationships, It is very important to do this. I wrote this in my first journal entry: "You drive your own path, you really do. So when it’s said that ultimately you will be alone when you are older, it becomes okay, because by then, if you have any emotional intelligence at all when it comes to the subject of life and it’s lessons, being alone doesn’t matter anymore because of how much you have allowed yourself to grow from it... I believe that we are down here to grow and learn and basically become ‘wise’ in the greatest sense of the word. We have good times yes, but what makes us the strongest and the wisest are the bad times. You learn the most from overcoming those shitty times. And during those bad long periods where everything seems wrong for awhile and then everything seems right again, can’t you just FEEL the knowledge you have gained from the situation. Most of that knowledge isn’t practical either. It’s very personal."

I also read something by someone who wrote: "I just feel this emptyness that I doubt will go away for awhile. That part that I gave to danny. That he has in his heart. Maybe it was good that I gave that part away, maybe it was the part that I dont need anymore. The part that leaves to be filled with something better, to transform my heart into something new, and ready to change." I found this out of all of it to be the most inspiring. I hope others read it too and feel the same way I did. It really is the truth. I love Matt Blevins with all of my heart, and I don't doubt that that feeling will ever leave. Yes it will subside with time, but no one in my life has been as influential, and allowed me to learn about who I am and grow from who I was. It's because of our time together that I am forever changed for the better. Through pain comes personal happiness if you don't run away from the pain. This is the only way I believe you can learn to love yourself in this crazy world.

Anyway, that was my official closing on talking about or relationship or any other incidents involved within this journal. It's really time to move on, and I believe that I'm ready.

So I was listening to my friends talking about really good food and for some reason it made me want to go on a really great date with great food and great conversation. Elaborating on what I said in the last entry; honestly though, I don't think I'm quite ready to date just yet, and the guys that I have been talking to, I don't think I could get into anything long term with them. I can already tell I’m very much a relationship type. I can tell this is going to be a long hard process finding someone to compliment me. I'm picky with my friends, so naturally I'm going to be very picky with who I may be interested in a relationship with. For the superficial part, I have to be very physically attracted to them and how they carry themselves and whether they wear a negetive facade. But really the most important qualities are someone who I feel is right there with me, eye to eye. Someone who is up-front about their demons and isn't afraid of them. Someone who I can easily talk to without them putting up their defenses almost before I say anything or even putting them up at all. Someone who is real about themselves and their world around them. Someone who can be real with me. Someone who is content with what they have. Someone who is willing to work with my demons, (and of course vice-versa). I know these people are out there, but they are truly a rarity among the people I've met and gotten to know. I'm also not saying that people I don't surround myself with are completley devoid of all of these traits, no. This is just what I'm looking for in total based on what I've learned so far. Either way, at this time, it’s time to have fun.

I’ve made it a personal goal to watch myself if I blame someone else for the way things happen in my life. Though I may not completely agree with how a specific situation might have been handled or choices that have been made, it's still not fair of me to place any type of blame. It was because of the millions of emotions I felt together and how shitty it was, that I felt had to place the blame on someone. The ridiculous part, on my behalf is that no one is to blame for how I felt or the way things went down. It quite simply is the way it is and happened the way it happened and that's that.

I think I'm going to like my writing class. It's actually going to be in the elementary school my teacher teaches in. Which is PERFECT. I don't have to get a fucking parking pass. I'm also the only guy in my class but what's new. I was thinking that I'd try to mack on a few girls and pretend I'm not gay just to get them over to the house so Andy and Karl can throw out whatever game they have, haha. I told them I really don't have any straight single female friends that aren't in the music school. Times change and so do my friends. It's really time to reach out to a new crew. It should be fun. Night moon.

I defiantly can't complain, the end of my summer was pretty awesome from my cousins to my kick ass roommates to hanging out with everyone I rarely got to see last year and meeting new people. Now it's back to the dirt work. I miss certain people, especially Alicia. She was my backbone in all times. I'm so proud of her though. I can't wait to get out there and do my thing like that. I can't wait to settle but for the time being I can't wait to enjoy what I have.

Every night I sit down at my computer and wish I was staring into a cool fall sunset smiling. It makes me kind of emotional to think about it. I know now, and it may sound cheesy as hell, but at any time I can come to my place on the hill and stare into the sunset on that fall evening and just breathe and think and cry or laugh if the need be. Sunsets make me kind of sad but so happy. They remind me of a home away from home. Like a kind of a heaven if you will. Life is hard. By now to most of my friends that's a big 'duh'. It just becomes more and more apparent to me how hard it is each day, and how much I really can't run from it. See I personally don't run from my problems, I avoid my responsibilities. And until that becomes a problem, it's not a big deal to me. This routine can't last and is what makes life hard for me. I make it hard for myself. I almost wish that my mom would just say, 'Dominic, I'm cutting you off from your father and I'... as weird as it may sound, that’s actually the easier route than taking myself off gradually. I just simply don't want to. I envy my friends with jobs, but I just can't seem to make myself get one. It all sucks but I know one day that I'll love my job and I'll be in love with someone wonderful and I can move through life as comfortably as possible. Even though I know that it's not that easy, it's life. But I guess what I mean is stability. Not much is stable in my life, and I'm sure most other people. It's just the point of life we're in. It's transitional in every form. In career, in self realization and appreciation, in the people you deeply care about and those that are here just for the transition, and other more specific and personal resons. I believe that once I can look at myself and my positives and the positives that I have gotten out of life I'll be okay too.

Goodnight.

Went to the Detroit Jazz Fest today with a crap load of people. It was fun but mostly chill. The most amusing thing for me was getting shit on by a seagull. The second was the homeless guy huddle with John and Karel lol. Anyway, gonna get back to the shit work tomorrow for my CDC trek on tuesday. Wish me luck!

Good talks, good fun, nice party. I'm glad some shit was cleared up lol. Screw rumors about good people. Night all.

dude... if I seriously had a dollar for every time I jerked off this week... this is no joke. WOO!

From my friend Ashley P's profile:

Everyone has a soul mate...Someone who you consider your best friend, and the one you can talk to about anything. This is the person you can share your most intimate feelings with, freely, without embarrassment. The one person that you can sit around and do absolutely nothing with, but thats alright because you are just thrilled to spend time with them. Your soul mate is the one who you go to when you are upset and they will do anything in their power to fix it and make you happy again. The one who can read your mind when you haven't said a word, and knows you inside and out... The one who does the little things, and that means the world to you.
-the most difficult part is finding that one other person and being patient enough to wait until the time is right for it to work

I can't wait until I am finally settled in my life so I can search for exactly that =D. It's okay tho, I'm still excited to get everything done with so I can do what I've been wanting to do for my whole life. People call me crazy when I say I want to work with kids, but I'm a kid too. If you know me well enough you'd know this. I wish I never had to grow up and experience life and all it's shit and all of it's beauty. But I love learning about myself and the world. That's why I can't wait to get out of here, I feel I've taken from Kalamazoo, mostly what I need for the next stage of my life. If I had a glass of wine, I'd make a toast to life in five years from now. Night all.

I had a pretty good weekend. I went to Ann Arbor w/ Adrian and Nate to visit some of Adrian's friends from his summer choral/german thing. Pretty cool people. Nate got hit on by the gay one. I knew he would to because Nate talked to him forever one night. I chose not to really engage in any conversation with him because I wanted to flat out avoid that. He was so not cute, but very nice either way.

Sat we came back to kzoo and I drove back out east for Christine's 21's bday. Overall it was a nice night. I def enjoyed it! Christine was very trashed of course. We ended up meeting up with Lance and the current guy he's dating, Gary. He was super nice.

On Sunday night, Christine, Will, Lance and I went to Paula's Graduation Party. It was so awesome to see her, and to talk to her probably for one of the final times ever.

It's Monday night and I'm back in Kzoo with nothing to do and not many close friends anymore. They're all gone, graduated or left. I called Adrian to hang out but he was already going to Matt's with Judy to see Tim and Nate too. It really bums me out. Colleen couldn't have been more right. She told me that I'm going to loose friends in this, and yes it's sad but it's true. I'm not really sure how I'm going to get through the year... at this point at least. I hope that I eventually stop caring what some people care or think of me. Once I accept that their place has basically been served in my life and mine in theirs, I'm sure I'll be fine.

I've decided that I'm really not looking for a relationship, but if one finds me then so be it. I'm really serious on my foci here. I want out of here asap. I'm tired of the place and the people. Nothing personal, I promise. I just need something fresh and new. The longer I stay the more I feel dragged down by everything here. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, and the more people I talk to about this, the less I feel alone in it. Going to Africa isn't even an option for me at this point. I will be going as soon as I graduate. My mom asked me why I wanted to do that, and talked about how dangerous it is in certain places. Her and my dad just hosted a south african family so they actually know quite a bit about what is going on. I told her I just need to, and I can't explain why and I don't expect her to understand, but it's something that my heart is telling me to do. I have thought about it too, morbid as it is, even if I were to be shot there for whatever reason, I'd be happy to die. I'd have died doing something selfless and meaningful. GAH! I can't wait!... not to die of course =P . Anyway, back to cleaning my room for the 1243325980924th time.

Tonight was perfectly cathartic. With all these shitty emotions inside of me I knew what I had to do. I had to get it out of me. So tonight I broke down. I broke down like I hadn't done in years. I decided I needed to go for a drive. I cried so hard that those primal screams came out of me. I drove and cried and screamed. I prayed to be calmed down, and right away I could feel myself beginning to breathe again. I ended up on the third floor of the miller structure on campus. It was exactly what I needed to happen.

I also had a long talk with Marcus outside of Mansard. I told him I was very impressed at what he had to say. His emotional intelligence is incredible, so right away he knew I understood him and that he understood me. It was like talking to myself almost. He basically articulated everything that I couldn't. It was the perfect way to finish off the night and a great talk. I honestly can't thank you enough. Anyway, I'm to tired to keep typing. Night all.